Pet Bereavement in Santa Barbara

Trish Lane

Shiva’s Center for the Human-Animal Bond is a not-for-profit organization founded in 2006 by Dr. Trish Lane, a local psychologist. Dr. Lane moved to Santa Barbara in 2002 to help establish the California Animal Referral & Emergency Hospital. The hospital is dedicated to Shiva, Dr. Lane’s canine companion who died in 2003. The name of the not-for-profit Lane subsequently established would also honor Shiva and reflect the general purpose of the organization “Shiva’s Center for the Human-Animal Bond.”

At the time of Shiva’s death, Santa Barbara did not offer any pet loss support groups. Having previously identified the need, one of the first goals of Shiva’s Center was the formation of free pet bereavement groups. Honoring the loss of animal companions is one way we recognize the importance of the human-animal bond. The human-animal bond refers to that strong positive interaction that exists between humans and animals – the special bond that enhances human quality of life.

The loss of the human-animal bond often results in grief. Grief can be described as emotions and behavior that ensue when a love relationship has ended. The closeness of the love relationship will be predictive of the intensity of the loss. In the context of the human-animal bond, individuals value the relationship regardless of species. In addition, grief may be compounded by the lack of support or understanding about the significance of the loss.

It’s not unusual for individuals to share that losing their pet was more painful than losing a close family member. Despite their experience of loss; many are ridiculed, teased, or have their feelings dismissed and so choose to hide their intense pain. One man shares, “Don’t tell me he was “just a dog,” he was by best friend, my family, and my confidant.” Don’t ask me “if I’ve “gotten over it yet”; I’ll never get over him.” A woman describes her boss’s thoughtlessness, “It’s just a cat - you can get another one at the pound for fifty bucks.” Her response, “If my husband died or my home burned down, I could get another one of them as well – it’s about the relationship and I loved my cat just as much if not more.” Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for these attitudes to come from family members, friends, colleagues, and employers. Even therapists have been reported to have made such hurtful remarks. As people are educated about the human-animal bond the goal is that they will come to have a greater appreciation for the relationship.

Having the choice of euthanasia presents a difficult dilemma for individuals. There is no real comparison with the loss of loved humans, because we do not euthanize human beings. Nothing seems to complicate the grief process like the guilt that may accompany the responsibility of ending the life of a dear friend that you have loved and nurtured. Having noted this, it seems that guilt is the biggest hurdle for people to handle. Although euthanasia literally means “good death”; nothing good comes with the responsibility of this decision. Many individuals who elect to euthanize are often stuck in the “what if’s” and need considerable guidance to make peace with their decision. Group support can be a powerful healer as members may forgive themselves as they forgive one another. Sometimes, it is through this sharing that people come to trust their decision. Alternately, it helps to simply ask them if their pet would want them to be experiencing so much psychological pain. Inevitably, the answer is “no.”

Similar to adults, children undoubtedly need support, guidance, and information. Naturally, the same principles of the human-animal bond hold true for children. Research has demonstrated that if children are old enough to feel, they are old enough to grieve. The loss of a pet is most often a child’s first experience of death. And children typically identify the loss of a pet as the saddest experience of their life. Presently, efforts are being made through Shiva’s Center to provide education to area veterinarians and eventually to the community at large about this important experience in children’s lives.

Pet loss support groups are held at Santa Barbara Hospice. The pet bereavement groups meet on the first and third Tuesday of each month and typically last an hour (6:30-7:30 PM). Participants are invited to bring photos, memorabilia, or anything they would like to share about their pet. Some participants come once, some for weeks, and others as needed (such as the anniversary of the death or on holidays). The facilitator begins the group by speaking in general about pet loss. Several key concepts are emphasized. These include: normalizing grief; stressing the importance of self care (sleep, exercise, and healthy meals); education about the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance); the destructiveness of shame and guilt; and recognizing the need of many individuals for support following the loss of a pet.

Individuals are advised that there is no right or wrong way to grieve or to say goodbye. Just as with the loss of a person, some people choose to remember the pet alive and vibrant, others will choose to create a memorial service yet not participate in viewing the animal, and still others opt to see their deceased pet to say a final goodbye. There are a myriad number of ways to grieve, to memorialize, and to heal.

Individuals will each then share why they have come to the group and who they have come to celebrate. Photos and memorabilia are passed around and discussion among the participants helps elucidate feelings. The group always closes with sharing a favorite story, behavior, or memory of their pet. This is important as many are plagued with memories of the death or loss and may find it difficult to remember “any good times.” Focusing on positive memories moves them towards healing. The group ends on a positive note, participants are again reminded about the importance of self-care, and are welcomed to return as needed or to see the facilitator afterwards if they feel that they need more support in the form of an individual referral.

If you are interested in more information about Shiva’s Center, pet bereavement, or about becoming a facilitator for the pet loss support groups, please contact Dr. Trish Lane.

Trish Lane is a licensed psychologist in Santa Barbara. She enjoys her many roles: working at Cottage Hospital, having a private practice, directing Shiva’s Center, and co-owning CARE Hospital. Understandably, she is an avid animal lover.


		Pet Bereavement in Santa Barbara Trish Lane Shiva’s Center for the Human-Animal Bond is a not-for-profit organization founded in 2006 by Dr. Trish Lane, a local psychologist. Dr. Lane moved to Santa Barbara in 2002 to help establish the California Animal Referral & Emergency Hospital. The hospital is dedicated to Shiva, Dr. Lane’s canine companion who died in 2003. The name of the not-for-profit Lane subsequently established would also honor Shiva and reflect the general purpose of the organization “Shiva’s Center for the Human-Animal Bond.” At the time of Shiva’s death, Santa Barbara did not offer any pet loss support groups. Having previously identified the need, one of the first goals of Shiva’s Center was the formation of free pet bereavement groups. Honoring the loss of animal companions is one way we recognize the importance of the human-animal bond. The human-animal bond refers to that strong positive interaction that exists between humans and animals – the special bond that enhances human quality of life. The loss of the human-animal bond often results in grief. Grief can be described as emotions and behavior that ensue when a love relationship has ended. The closeness of the love relationship will be predictive of the intensity of the loss. In the context of the human-animal bond, individuals value the relationship regardless of species. In addition, grief may be compounded by the lack of support or understanding about the significance of the loss. It’s not unusual for individuals to share that losing their pet was more painful than losing a close family member. Despite their experience of loss; many are ridiculed, teased, or have their feelings dismissed and so choose to hide their intense pain. One man shares, “Don’t tell me he was “just a dog,” he was by best friend, my family, and my confidant.” Don’t ask me “if I’ve “gotten over it yet”; I’ll never get over him.” A woman describes her boss’s thoughtlessness, “It’s just a cat - you can get another one at the pound for fifty bucks.” Her response, “If my husband died or my home burned down, I could get another one of them as well – it’s about the relationship and I loved my cat just as much if not more.” Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for these attitudes to come from family members, friends, colleagues, and employers. Even therapists have been reported to have made such hurtful remarks. As people are educated about the human-animal bond the goal is that they will come to have a greater appreciation for the relationship. Having the choice of euthanasia presents a difficult dilemma for individuals. There is no real comparison with the loss of loved humans, because we do not euthanize human beings. Nothing seems to complicate the grief process like the guilt that may accompany the responsibility of ending the life of a dear friend that you have loved and nurtured. Having noted this, it seems that guilt is the biggest hurdle for people to handle. Although euthanasia literally means “good death”; nothing good comes with the responsibility of this decision. Many individuals who elect to euthanize are often stuck in the “what if’s” and need considerable guidance to make peace with their decision. Group support can be a powerful healer as members may forgive themselves as they forgive one another. Sometimes, it is through this sharing that people come to trust their decision. Alternately, it helps to simply ask them if their pet would want them to be experiencing so much psychological pain. Inevitably, the answer is “no.” Similar to adults, children undoubtedly need support, guidance, and information. Naturally, the same principles of the human-animal bond hold true for children. Research has demonstrated that if children are old enough to feel, they are old enough to grieve. The loss of a pet is most often a child’s first experience of death. And children typically identify the loss of a pet as the saddest experience of their life. Presently, efforts are being made through Shiva’s Center to provide education to area veterinarians and eventually to the community at large about this important experience in children’s lives. Pet loss support groups are held at Santa Barbara Hospice. The pet bereavement groups meet on the first and third Tuesday of each month and typically last an hour (6:30-7:30 PM). Participants are invited to bring photos, memorabilia, or anything they would like to share about their pet. Some participants come once, some for weeks, and others as needed (such as the anniversary of the death or on holidays). The facilitator begins the group by speaking in general about pet loss. Several key concepts are emphasized. These include: normalizing grief; stressing the importance of self care (sleep, exercise, and healthy meals); education about the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance); the destructiveness of shame and guilt; and recognizing the need of many individuals for support following the loss of a pet. Individuals are advised that there is no right or wrong way to grieve or to say goodbye. Just as with the loss of a person, some people choose to remember the pet alive and vibrant, others will choose to create a memorial service yet not participate in viewing the animal, and still others opt to see their deceased pet to say a final goodbye. There are a myriad number of ways to grieve, to memorialize, and to heal. Individuals will each then share why they have come to the group and who they have come to celebrate. Photos and memorabilia are passed around and discussion among the participants helps elucidate feelings. The group always closes with sharing a favorite story, behavior, or memory of their pet. This is important as many are plagued with memories of the death or loss and may find it difficult to remember “any good times.” Focusing on positive memories moves them towards healing. The group ends on a positive note, participants are again reminded about the importance of self-care, and are welcomed to return as needed or to see the facilitator afterwards if they feel that they need more support in the form of an individual referral. If you are interested in more information about Shiva’s Center, pet bereavement, or about becoming a facilitator for the pet loss support groups, please contact Dr. Trish Lane. Trish Lane is a licensed psychologist in Santa Barbara. She enjoys her many roles: working at Cottage Hospital, having a private practice, directing Shiva’s Center, and co-owning CARE Hospital. Understandably, she is an avid animal lover.


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